Opposite Moms Do Not Attract
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Well, I survived the holidays.
Mister Me came home with me to spend a few days in my backwater hometown. Being home with him reminded me just how different our families are.
More accurately, our dads and stepmothers are carbon copies of each other. It’s our moms that are polar opposites.
And I’m not talking polar opposites in that adorable way where they’ll learn to appreciate each other’s differences and become a lovable, if unlikely, comedic duo.
More like polar opposites who will be so irked by each other’s mere existence that they can only interact through pursed lips.
Take the evidence: My mother is quiet and reserved. She likes bluegrass and gardening. She heats her house with a wood burning stove and lives 20 minutes from anything that could be considered civilization. Her idea of a crazy night is two glasses of chardonnay, after which she has been known to literally fall asleep standing up. I’ve seen it. We spend every Christmas Eve decorating our tree, listening to instrumental Christmas music and drinking eggnog, which I was finally permitted to spike in my 23rd year.
Mister Me’s mom celebrated Christmas Eve by wrapping herself in strings of lights, going to the bar, and plugging herself in.
Yes. When it comes to Party, Mister Me’s Mom is a force to be reckoned with. My first introduction was watching her throw her cocktail-dress-wrapped 90 pounds all over the dance floor until the wee hours of the morning at a wedding. Among her friends, she’s known for going to the bar and getting one pitcher of beer and one of ice, then mixing the two to create twice as much beer. She’s like the Water-to-Wine Jesus of dollar pitcher night.
He loves her, but Mister Me’s mom is a source of discomfort for him. Although known to tie one on, he likes to keep his behavior relatively appropriate. Party Mom knows no such social norms.
I dread the day when our moms will meet… Dinner at a nice restaurant, everyone’s chatting while responsibly enjoying wine. Suddenly the restaurant staff gasps as the doors burst open and in walks a tube topped, body-glitter-bedecked Party Mom, yelling for Patron shots all around.
Mister Me will die of embarrassment, my mom will die of shock and I’ll be needing that shot of Patron.
Your descriptions are funny
You can always do what we did and not have the different sets of parents meet till the wedding. They’ll be forced to behave then.
OMG. This is going to be my family meeting someday. My mom’s the drunk woman who lives on a sailboat in St Marteen and dances on tables, and my bf’s mom is the quiet, reserved, going to be shocked one!
God help us all if your mom and Mister Me’s mom ever find their way into each other’s lives. That sounds like her heaven.
That is just classic! My situation is the opposite: Moms are so identical, they’re like kindred spirits. Dads on the other hand …. Let me just say this: My dad thought it was good of him when he decided not to drink whiskey until after lunch. I just hope since they like my mom so much, they won’t get put off when dad gets introduced.
We need to get you a reality t.v. special for that meeting… It’s made for TV!!
It’s simple, really … you give your mom (who sounds like a lovely person, by the way) a few glasses of a nice pinot grigio early on, so she is ever-so-sweetly snoozing on her date’s shoulder and is thereby neutralized as a threat to Mr. Me’s mom, who clearly seeks to be the center of attention and might never even remember meeting your mom!
Voila!
very very insightful. ply mom with alcohol. sounds like a gameplan to me.