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Boys Are Stupid

January 21, 2010

It kills me to use this title (which I’m sure will be relevant to many posts) so early on in the game but I. Am. Pissed.

Naturally, this all relates back to the Super Ex and his recent rejection. As you might imagine I’m still a little tender over the whole thing.

Doofus over there, though, he comprehends nothing. I requested some time off of our all day, everyday chat sessions to process his decision to shut down any future possibilities beyond friendship.

It’s been about 4 days from his little announcement, which he must think sufficient for getting over the single most influential relationship in my life thus far. He must think this because today he started chatting like nothing had changed. He could not possibly be chatting with me right now; I waited for him to realize he’d clicked the wrong contact in his list. But nope, these friendly, nearly jovial messages about nothing in particular were intended for me.

Fury. (At this point my head nearly explodes.) Just. What. Does. He. Think. He’s. Doing?

— And here is the part where I will be necessarily be a stereotypical woman. Look away. —

You cannot talk to me this soon after a break-up, even a pseudo-one. My brain does this: Why…? Wait, didn’t he say… Well I’m sure he did… Then this must mean… HOORAY! He realized his mistake, he does love me!

I cannot stop this process once it is in motion. Suddenly all wounds are healed and I’m blindly overjoyed we’ve made it through the rough patch and are back on track.

This pink cloud of denial will last until he’s forced to give me the “just friends” talk yet again. At which point I will experience the same pain for 4 days until he’ll restart the same pattern by sending me a video of a panda sneezing or a cat on a Roomba.

Not this time, Doofus. Not falling for it. I will take my time, damnit. And if your life is this empty without my friendship… Well then… you should think about that. You’ll have plenty of time while I’m getting over you.

8 Comments leave one →
  1. Rachel Beth Zamstein permalink
    January 21, 2010 2:31 pm

    *gonna need more burn cream*

  2. Rachel Beth Zamstein permalink
    January 21, 2010 2:31 pm

    Did I mention I love this blog…?

  3. Cousin Kitty-Cat permalink
    January 21, 2010 2:38 pm

    This has happened to me multiple times! What worked best for me? Brutal honesty. It usually went something like this: “Who do you think you are? You just told me you don’t want to be with me and you think we’re still friends?! Oh, hell no!” etc, etc (degree of hostility depended on how he told me). I had to stop talking to my Super-Ex for several years and we now have a nice, civil friendship over fb. We’re not meant to be friends with every single ex.

    • January 21, 2010 2:42 pm

      sadly, i think this may be the case with my Super Ex… not sure I can be friends and watch him date and fall in love with someone else! Thanks for reading 🙂

    • Lauren permalink
      December 22, 2010 2:28 pm

      by Susan Elliott

      Trying To Be Friends With The Ex

      A big, looming question after the breakup seems
      to be: “Can we still be friends?”

      Unfortunately the answer is probably no.

      There are several reasons for this, but first
      and foremost is that even after the most amicable breakup, the people involved
      need some time so they can work through their feelings and sift through the
      ruins of the relationship. Even if it was not an emotional high-wire act, as
      many breakups are, there needs to be time apart to break the bond of “the couple.”

      Each person needs to separate and go back to
      being an individual without being a part of the couple. In other words, to
      lose the “couple” identity. Each person needs to do their work and
      become an individual once again. Each needs to deal with the breakup in their
      own way and DEFINITELY separate and apart and away from the
      scrutiny of the person they just broke up with.

      Most people cannot remain friends after a
      breakup but if it ever is to be, it will be later…much later. The atmosphere
      immediately following a breakup is too emotionally charged for it to happen
      right away, if at all.

      Sometimes both people are “okay” with the
      breakup and try to be friends too early. I know one couple who had dinner every
      now and again after they broke up. They told everyone they were “friends” and
      liked to check in now and again. One night, about 2 months after the breakup,
      the dinner turned into a teary shouting match. Neither was prepared for it but
      both were moving onto other people and the revelation at dinner brought up all
      kinds of emotions that neither knew were there. If you’re going to be friends, EVER,
      the first six months is probably not the time no matter how amicable it seems
      on the surface.

      The person who pushes to “be friends” is usually
      the one who has unfinished business but doesn’t want to own that or doesn’t
      want the responsibility of the relationship but is unwilling to completely
      relinquish the ex. That is a selfish motive and not fair to the other person.
      Do your work and let the other person do their work and heal. It is not
      fair to string someone along as a “friend” because you can’t deal with
      the pain of having them out of your life completely. As with any post-breakup
      dealings with the ex:Examine your motives.

      A coworker recently said to me, “I want to be
      friends after the breakup and she doesn’t. She’s a terrific person and I don’t
      want her out of my life.”

      If you’re the one who is asking to be friends,
      AGAIN: examine your motives. Are you trying to stave off the grief? Are you
      playing a game? Are you unwilling to really break all ties but don’t want the
      relationship either? Benefits without responsibility? That’s dysfunctional and
      wrong (as are any “friends with benefits” scenarios that sometimes follow a
      “breaking up as a couple.”)

      Sometimes people can’t do “endings“. If
      you can’t do endings (if you’re still friends with absolutely everyone you’ve
      gone out with), you might need to think about that. Others just don’t end
      things and don’t know how. If your ex is one of those, don’t let him or her
      lead the way. Take charge of ending it and not remaining friends.

      If you are the one who isn’t able to end things,
      don’t inject your inability to come to terms with the end of the relationship
      on the other person. It’s simply not fair. Yes, she’s hurt. And you’re making
      things worse. If she was so terrific, you’d still be with her. You
      cannot have it both ways. Leave it alone.

      If you are the person who did not break up and
      is doing the contact, this is not a good plan. You need to move on. The other
      person needs to move on. If you are emailing or calling or texting and they are
      not answering, stop doing it. Sit on your hands if you need to. It’s
      humiliating. Leave it alone and get on with your life. It’s hard but it has to
      be done.

      If you are managing to engage him/her, how does
      it feel afterwards? Do you feel good or did you just postpone the inevitable
      once again? Or did they let you know ITS REALLY OVER and
      you’re not hearing it or still looking for clues in what they are saying or
      doing that it is really not. Stop torturing yourself.

      BURY IT.

      If you’re the person who is being asked, say no.
      Short and sweet. Pure and simple. NO.

      Don’t try to explain or rationalize…just say no
      or maybe no, not now. The problem with saying “not now” is that it will usually
      be followed by “When?” and you just don’t know. No is a one-word
      sentence. Say it and then go. No further explanation necessary.

      If the other person is saying that they just
      can’t NOT have you in their life but didn’t treat you right when you were
      together, one word: TOUGH. They should have thought of this
      before. Relationships take two people. So do friendships. The relationship
      didn’t work. If your ex is not listening to your feelings now and still not
      doing right by you, the friendship is not going to work either. Find new
      friends who treat you right. INSIST on being treated well in ALL
      relationships. Your ex did not treat you well. Buh. Bye


  1. The Freedom Of Goodbye « The Engagement Project
  2. Closing The Super Ex Chapter « The Engagement Project
  3. Super Ex Pops In To Create Emotional Turmoil « The Engagement Project

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