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I Attempt To Class It Up, Fail

January 26, 2010

(Yesterday, I shared Coworker E’s excellent advice on scoping a more eligible set of man-type. Today, I will share my attempt, and fail, at following her advice.)

When Coworker S offered me a chance to attend a pricey-ticketed poker tournament with guaranteed employed men and open bar, well, I basically peed myself. I mean, I rearranged my whole evening schedule to accommodate this intriguing concept. I was pumped. I went shopping, looking for that perfect professional! yet fun! and attractive! outfit that would for sure get all those lawyers looking this-a-way.

So here’s some lessons I learned the hard way during my first attempt to tempt those high-caliber men:

1. Don’t go for Grade A, top notch, hottest-guy-in-the-room right off the bat. Firstly, he hasn’t had a drink yet. Secondly, if he’s the best looking guy there without a ring, he’s almost definitely engaged. Third, he will shoot you down. It will hurt, because he’ll do it in a classy way that proves he isn’t a jerk. Fourth, he’s now onto you and may tell his friends.

2. When Coworker S gets another glass of wine, do not get another glass of wine with her. It’s a trick. If you pace her, she will nearly kill you.

3. Do not tie yourself to the first guy who chats you up. These parties are for mingling, so mingle! Meet, move on, come back later if he’s worth it.

4. Eat. Please, God, eat. Even if it’s a buffet and it seems risky to be balancing little plates and wine and talking to people without food in your teeth. Trust me, eat.

5. Do not gesture while you talk after your 4th glass of wine. You are no longer coordinated. People notice this because you’re pouring wine down your leg.

6. Coworker S will leave you. She will have to “Go home with her husband and tend to her baby.” Call reinforcements ahead of time.

7. Once you have spilled your drink twice you must go. Go with what little dignity you have left.

8. Do not insist that the coat check woman did not give you a coat ticket. She did. That is her job. She will help you because she’s not an asshole, even though you are. You will find the coat ticket in your purse the next morning and feel shame.

So even though my performance was less than stellar, I will say that the ratio of datable boys to loserfaces was much higher than usual. I’m gonna swallow my pride and give it another go. Tonight. Fingers crossed.

7 Comments leave one →
  1. Cousin Kitty-Cat permalink
    January 26, 2010 12:39 pm

    LQTM! (I’m at work so I can’t LOL.) By the way, has Aunt Charlene ever given you dating advice? She gave me some once…at Wendy’s wedding.

    • January 26, 2010 2:23 pm

      i think she thinks i play for the other team. either that or she thinks i’m a huge loser. she’s always trying to give me numbers of her friend’s granddaughters so that i “can make some new friends that i might share interests with.” whatever THAT euphemism means…

      • January 26, 2010 6:16 pm

        this comment exchange is full of hilarity.

        BTW.. great tips.. like not going for most handsome guy first… I’d love to hear about this story sometime

  2. cyrae permalink
    January 27, 2010 9:17 pm

    Did anyone ever wonder what team Aunt Char plays for (or would have)?

  3. January 28, 2010 3:59 pm

    ha! Cyrae! I think that’s a valid questions maybe!


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