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A Trip Down Memory Lane

February 16, 2010

(A year ago today I asked my live-in boyfriend to move out. Been single-ish ever since. I wrote this post for a friend’s blog shortly there after.)

Oh! Hey ex-boyfriend! I see you’ve come to pick up “your” stuff. It’s so cute you’re taking your mattress, the one I threw mine out for. And now you’re taking it so I’ll have to shell out for a new one. That’s so chivalrous. Same with the dresser! Its cool, I like keeping my clothes in a pile on the floor anyway. Take it!

You know what’s even cuter? You don’t need any of this stuff! In fact, you can’t even use it because now you live in YOUR PARENTS’ FULLY FURNISHED TOWNHOME. So you’re going to take it and store it, for eternity (which will surely come before your lazy ass gets a job), just so I have to buy new! You should really write a book on being the perfect gentleman.

I also think its super lovable that you did not bring me the check I requested for the 4 grand you owe me. It’s ok, I was just fooling anyhow. Why would I want that money back? It was totally worth paying your rent and buying your food and paying all the utilities for a year and a half just to have you there, playing Guitar Hero in your PJs everyday when I got home from work.

I really enjoyed our time together where I learned to cook without any appreciation and buy you lots and lots of whiskey so you could get so blitzed you weren’t even forming complete sentences. I get a warm feeling just remembering all those nights listening to you bitch and bitch about not having a job and yet never seeing you do a damn thing about it! Those were the good days!

Welp, now that you’re all packed up, ex boyfriend, I guess it’s time to say goodbye! So sad. I’m comforted by the fact that, whenever I miss you, I can walk down the street, breathe in the city air and hand my wallet and bank account numbers over to the first bum I see. It will be like you’re right here again!

9 Comments leave one →
  1. February 16, 2010 11:22 am

    Awww. I kinda miss him now too. Who wouldn’t?

    Happy Anniversary – Here’s to one year of a cleansed inner sanctum and a fine-tuned radar for asshattery. Good riddance.

  2. February 16, 2010 12:50 pm

    Oh my! I’m so glad I kept my old stuff at my mom’s, so when I moved out of the apartment I found for us, the ex got to keep all the new stuff that I picked out (but he paid for) for what I thought was going to be our future together. Ain’t love grand!?

    • February 16, 2010 1:20 pm

      Saying buhbye to the future you’d imagined is the pits. My ex took everything that would irk me; even my fav casserole dish. He doesn’t even know how to turn the damned oven ON.

  3. cyrae permalink
    February 16, 2010 10:05 pm

    Even though he flinched while I read this out loud, Dave was laughing by the end, and says “she’s a good writer!”

  4. April 22, 2010 6:53 am

    I laughed so hard @ that…
    Had a semi-similar situation some years back 🙄
    Here’s to us being single (and fabulous) again!!


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