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Choose Your Wingpeople Wisely

March 1, 2010

Listen Cute Guy, I really like to look at you. I even like to flirt with you and listen to things that come out of your mouth. I’m mildly interested in your life and opinions. I’m tremendously interested in your appearance. I would probably talk to you all night here at this little dive bar and even give you my number at the end of the night. Then I’d hope to hear from you for the next few days, until you either call or I forget about you. Doesn’t that sound like a nice little scenario?

There’s just one problem. I want to kill your Wingman.

When I said “Wow, they really go fast on that bobsled course! That’s gotta be like 60mph!” and he shouted at me, “ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME? Yeah RIGHT, they go that fast.” I knew we were headed into troubled waters. He spent the next 20 minutes looking up bobsledding speeds on his phone to prove me wrong, yelling about how stupid I was the whole time.

Cute Guy, this Wingman is doing you no favors. OK, maybe one: he makes you look better by comparison. But now I associate you with him. This is bad for you. I also desperately want to escape this conversation to save myself from the mean Wingman-from-Hell. This is really bad for you.

I had a Wingwoman like this, once upon a time. Nearly every time we went out she would end up launching an emasculating string of challenges at any guy to come within 5 feet of us. This was her version of flirting. It had a low success rate, as you might imagine.

When you get down to the nitty gritty, the most important part of date-hunting prep is not a good wax or new skinny jeans (as if). The biggest favor you can do yourself is to invest in a well-vetted Wingperson.

So much for you, Cute Guy. You are just not cute enough to overcome the barrage condescension and negativity emanating from your insufferable Wingman. I’m only gonna stick around long enough to watch him find the average speed of a bobsled.

4 Comments leave one →
  1. cyrae permalink
    March 1, 2010 11:30 am

    this blog makes me laugh but also makes me rejoice in being too damn old to do this stuff any more! Not gloating, though. =| (emoticon trying to keep a straight face)

  2. March 3, 2010 4:17 pm

    this was funny…. although I have to admit… I have pulled out the phone myself to look up facts in front of people.. and dare I say dates #nerdalert

    • March 3, 2010 4:20 pm

      hey whatever, as long as you don’t do it condescendingly I think its ok.

      Also, congrats! this is the 100th comment on the blog!!

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