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The Marrying Types?

April 7, 2010

Yesterday, my friend Sophie (A.K.A. “French Napalm” and the author of DrawMeACat) sent me this article and I was all tl;dr, but then I took a second look.

This article hits on one of my pet love theories: there are two types of love out there. Which leads to one of my pet marriage questions: which love is the right love for life?

So Lori‘s position is that women hold out waiting for Passionate Love That Eats Us Alive, sometimes to the detriment of achieving our family goals and ending up happy in the end. She encourages us to “settle” for someone we might not love now, but who will be dependable and kind and a great father – a long term performer. Sort of a tortoise versus the hare situation.

Well here’s what I have to say about it. Who the hell wants all-consuming love?

Have y’all ever been in that kind of love? It’s suffocating! Suddenly your mood is dependent on someone else’s words and actions. You can’t think, you can’t eat, you can’t even enjoy daytime television anymore. Let me tell you, that is not a sustainable relationship.

And fuck all this “settling” noise. Choosing a slow burn over a nuclear reaction doesn’t sound like a settle to me. Sounds like an investment in the future. (Actually, both sound like a natural disaster, but just work with me here.)

I’ve been looking for the Slow Burn guy. If only because, he allows me to be less crazy.

Let’s examine the evidence:

Does the right-most column sound like fun to anyone? Hmm? Anyone older than 14? No.

So yes, Lori is right. But not for the right reason.

Do not wait for Passionate Love: it’s rare, it’s short-lived and it’s exhausting.ย  The Slow Burn is what we need; a relationship with room to grow and learn and let each other live.

Slow Burn is not a settle, he’s the most elusive and valuable of catches.

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23 Comments leave one →
  1. April 7, 2010 8:41 am

    Slow Burn also allows you to maintain your sense of self. With Passionate Love it’s all too easy to lose yourself. Then when it explodes as Passionate Love will often do, you’re left wondering what the hell happened to you.

    • April 7, 2010 9:29 am

      … and what the hell happened to all your friends. (hint: they ran for cover when your tornado of obsession hit)

  2. April 7, 2010 10:15 am

    I completely agree. But, everyone has to have that passionate love explode in their face before they appreciate the beauty of the smolder, it’s still hot and keeps you warm. ๐Ÿ™‚

    • April 7, 2010 10:27 am

      mmmm smolder, good word! the embers are what keeps it going. rather than lighter fluid which burns off quickly.

      are we getting sick of fire metaphors yet? i know i’m not.

  3. April 7, 2010 10:39 am

    The thing you have to remember about passionate “nuclear love” is what happens when a nuclear device explodes. I’ve had it happen to me and it was ugly – I lost all of my friends (of course, they were HIS friends so when we split they all dropped me), I didn’t know who I was or what I really liked (since I was so obsessed with liking what he liked too), couldn’t dress myself (because he would buy all my clothes on condition that I only chose clothes he liked)… you get the picture.

    It was only after I started doing things on my own again that I discovered a) what a great person I was and b) what a loser my ex was. After I “found” myself again I also found my now-fiance, so I guess add to my learnings c) what a difference it makes to be with someone who loves you enough to give you space.

    • April 7, 2010 10:59 am

      well said! the fallout is ugly. the rebuilding can take years.

      pretty exciting when its happening. pretty devastating afterward.

  4. cyrae permalink
    April 7, 2010 11:53 am

    HOW old are you? I thought only those on the downhill slide of life had that figured out! RATS!

    [In this case – I DO practice what I preach.]

  5. cyrae permalink
    April 7, 2010 12:04 pm

    Oh, you’ll know it when you hit it. Things like TJR will start to loom large. =:|

    And you really won’t be able to keep up with passion unless meds are involved!

  6. cyrae permalink
    April 7, 2010 1:03 pm

    Total Joint Replacement! Gotcha, you and your little twitterations that I can never figure out!

  7. Jaysey permalink
    April 7, 2010 5:20 pm

    Yeah, I am with you (and have blogged about this same topic myself). You marry the slow burn; you have fun in the moment with the passionate love guy. Or as my friends and I like to say, “You don’t marry Maverick. You have sex with Maverick. You marry Goose. Goose will make you happy in the long-run. Maverick’s a fun distraction.” ๐Ÿ˜‰

  8. April 7, 2010 8:25 pm

    This is a great entry. Thanks, as always, for your insight. In addition to being brilliant, it’s perfectly worded and hilarious. ๐Ÿ™‚

  9. April 7, 2010 8:44 pm

    I’ve never had the Passionate Love, so maybe I don’t know what I’m missing. But Slow Burn is definitely where it’s at. Unless the slow burn is accompanied by pain, swelling or a funky smell. Then you should go to a doctor ASAP. And maybe the doctor will be single and hot. That would be awesome. Except then the doctor’s probably going to judge you for having a slow burn. It’s a Catch-22, really.

    • April 7, 2010 8:49 pm

      ah true. but again, fiery nuclear reaction in the nether-regions may be an even more negative experience than slow burn. so… hypothesis holds true?

  10. May 3, 2010 12:58 am

    I exploded out of a mushroom cloud about five years ago. I spent a few years blinking, but I wound up in a very happy slow burner marriage, I can tell you – YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY CORRECT. Sounds like we could swap war stories.

    And yes, the caps were necessary.

    Also, I’ll be 26 in August. ๐Ÿ™‚

  11. May 3, 2010 1:48 pm

    ummmm, that first kind of love isn’t love…. it is codependency and unhealthy. It is the love of immaturity where ‘the bad boy’ seems so wonderful. Screw that.

Trackbacks

  1. Your Kiss Is On My List « Life @ Twenty-Something
  2. Can you relate? « Maundering Me
  3. Revisiting the Slow Burn « The Engagement Project

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