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I’m Like Friggin’ Dear Abby Over Here

April 19, 2010

I got this email the other day and I’m all like, advice column? Don’t mind if I do.

Dear Dating Queen —
So what does it mean when someone has kicked you to the curb but then keeps revisiting your online dating profile?  This is someone I REALLY liked, but was guilty in the past of stalking a bit (and he knows this) so I don’t want to make any false moves, but I also would like to find some way to encourage him to get up the friggin’ courage to check in with me…..  Should I just sit on my hands?  I’m thinking yes……


Well Stillinlove –

Click to see more from Ronald Caringal's Committment reIssues series

This is the Classic Commitmentphobe. He knows what he wants but is unable to allow himself to be vulnerable enough to get there. Then he constantly obsesses and second guesses once he’s ruined yet another possible relationship. I’ve dated him. It goes like this:

1. Commitmentphobe feels something is missing in his life. He sees his friends happy in relationships; he sees the benefits of partnered life. He sees them have differences and resolve them and he thinks, Easy! I can do that!

2. Commitmentphobe finds someone he has a connection with and throws himself into it. So girl throws herself right in too (maybe stalks a bit, hmm?). This scares him and so his behavior can be a bit erratic: he’s sweet and lovable when you’re together but then maybe he cancels a date or two last minute; maybe he purposely doesn’t call when he’s said he will; maybe he just gets really weirded out when you’re clear about your feelings. When you look back do you see any of those signs?

3. Commitmentphobe realizes that being with someone makes him accountable and vulnerable. Someone else’s feelings are dependent on his actions? He is responsible for acting like an adult? His feelings are tied to your actions? EEEEK!!!! Commitmentphobe runs away.

4. Commitmentphobe still yearns to feel the love and security of a relationship. So he wonders, what if, what if? What if I changed? What if I’ve wasted something real? He obsesses and checks up, but never quite gets the cajones to follow through.

SOLUTION: Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do. At the outside, change some of the language in your profile in a way that might speak to him, but nothing overly mushy. Movie quote? Song lyric?

Most importantly: this type of dating phobia cannot be corrected by the other person in the relationship. Hopefully he’ll get some talk therapy and work through his problems. He must do that on his own. Do not be tempted to be his therapist. When a Commitmentphobe lets go, you must let go faster.


Jealous? Email me dating questions (or ask anonymously) and I’ll blindly answer them with no real basis for my opinions except my own experiences. Weeeee!

8 Comments leave one →
  1. cyrae permalink
    April 19, 2010 9:10 am

    … nice recovery … see how life’s experiences pay off – eventually?

    • April 19, 2010 12:01 pm

      yes, i suppose its a good thing i went through all that with Crazyface the Fratty Commitmentphobe so i could answer this question…

  2. April 19, 2010 3:17 pm

    Hey! I know that guy! 😉

  3. Rachel Zamstein permalink
    April 20, 2010 3:51 pm

    Sound. Perfect advice.

  4. April 21, 2010 10:49 am

    He could be a commitment phobe however she is probably better off without him. We all deserve someone who isn’t afraid to take the risk of getting hurt and allowing themselves to surrender to another person. Women need to stop chasing and focus more on who they are and what they want to do. Then the men will follow or not. Either way you will be comfortable in your own skin and that is the most important thing. 🙂

  5. April 21, 2010 12:08 pm

    This reminds me of my friends…”spiked ice cream” sessions. ^_^ Love your blog.BTW

  6. April 21, 2010 9:01 pm

    At the age of 32 I’m in the best relationship of my life. Women, as I’ve come to realize, don’t realize how simple men are. When I told my father I had discovered this, he answered, “I could have told you that years ago!”. Well, that would have been useful. Believe me, this guy is NOT THINKING THAT MUCH. Check out David Chappelle talking about women taking advice from other women about men. Fast forward to 1:45 (you don’t need to watch the beginning unless you want to). It gets right to the point and it suddenly explains everything we’ve been worrying about. They just don’t think about everything the way we do! He either wants you, or he doesn’t. And if he hasn’t picked up the phone, stopped by your house, or found some other way to get your attention… let him go. He’s not worth it anyway!

    • April 21, 2010 9:27 pm

      i like the philosophy. i wrote a post called He’s Just Not That Into You with a similar theme. check it out. and thanks for the comment!

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