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Surprise Twist Ending!

May 25, 2010

Since I like to keep you guys one your toes, I broke up with Love Interest E. Who doesn’t love a good plot twist?

After a beautiful day at the zoo, dinner with E’s parents and drinks with my friends, Love Interest E and I settled in to have a frank chat about our relationship. Ever since the break, things have been a little off.

I expressed concerns over the new pace of our relationship and a general sense of distance. Love Interest E confessed he’s never said “I love you” and meant it.

Come again? 27 and never loved anyone? I find that troublesome… nay, alarming… nay, horrifying.

I’m not a believer in True Love. Love is not an alternate state of being, full of euphoria and rainbows and glitter. A Soulmate is not your one and only counterpoint. The search for love is not the search for the Holy Grail, as you cast aside mere cups in the quest for the only cup that will ever truly quench you. (See what I did there?)

I’m a believer in practical love. Love is finding someone with whom you connect emotionally, intellectually and physically. And then it is a commitment to stand by that person, to support him and to be open with him. These are the fundamentals of love, and if at 27 you haven’t found this at least once, then you are unwilling or unable to recognize a good thing when you see it.

Some might say, Perhaps he hasn’t found the right girl? And I would say, Cut the shit. If he’s never loved someone he either can’t appreciate a whole person, flaunts and faults combined, or he’s not able to allow himself to be vulnerable.

I called it during the break, Love Interest E has a bit of a commitment problem. And we all know I’ve been there before with the often mentioned, rarely explained, Crazyface the Fratty Commitmentphobe. I’m so not going there again.

So, onward and upward, shall we? Join me on my trip back to the dating drawing board, wont you?

(Big shout out to my tweeps who offered support, love or sexual healing this weekend: @margaret_crymes, @alonewithcats, @soloat30, @turnjacson, @danamtedesco, @meredithblumoff, @evanafter, @alekbabel, @taylorcast_UD, @cambosmash, @thekaraschultz, @cluexfour, @stineybean, @saucyredhead915, @jstedham, @solarpowerspork, @claireific and @copedog)

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30 Comments leave one →
  1. May 25, 2010 6:19 am

    Buh bye LIE and hello dating adventures! Sorry it came to this Bea but glad you got out before you invested too much. Isn’t it nice to have that kind of perspective that comes with age where you can say, “This isn’t worth it. I don’t see things changing at a pace where it will be worth it. It’s time to bid farewell to this.” Way to be strong – I admire that. Now, maybe TurnJacson should come back to town for another visit? 🙂

  2. May 25, 2010 6:58 am

    Ok woah… I did NOT see this coming.

    But I have to agree with the saucyredhead above. There comes a time in a girls life when she realizes earlier than usual that things just won’t work. And she simply moves on. So congratulations on not wasting your time.

    Maybe a “have you been in love before” should be a good question to add, to the 2nd or 3rd date conversations. I can not comprehend how someone possibly could not have experienced love at that age.

    But good luck hun. You’re a good catch so I’m sure you’ll find possible suitors sooner than later.

  3. May 25, 2010 7:16 am

    hmmmmm. I wonder if we were dating the same person. Possible, we dont live that far from each other. Ooh, wait… mine is 37, but yeah same exact issues.

    I’m sorry this didnt work out, but better to have found it out now. Keep looking you will find it. A friend of mine told me the other day “stand still long enough and butterfly will land on your shoulder.” I just wish my damn butterfly would land already….

    Hang in there!

  4. May 25, 2010 8:18 am

    I’m assuming he was divulging to you that he had actually said the three words in the past to other people and didn’t really mean it? Gross. Knowing who you are really is the cat’s meow. Way to be. You did yourself a huge favor.

  5. TaylorCast permalink
    May 25, 2010 8:34 am

    Good for you! I couldn’t agree more that love is not a fairy tale feeling but a realistic emotion that the person stimulates you mentally, physically and emotionally and the two of you choose to love one another. Clearly he didn’t know how good he had it and furthermore is searching for something that doesn’t exist. Hold your head high lady cause you kept it classy.

  6. May 25, 2010 10:05 am

    Way to stand up for what’s best for you! It’s not always easy to take that road, but sometimes it is the best way.

  7. May 25, 2010 10:15 am

    Good call on your part, obviously he’s not ready to be in any type of relationship and at 27 he should be.

  8. May 25, 2010 10:24 am

    y’all are just honestly the best. no man comments so far though, i wonder if they’d think i am being to harsh on him?

    but i agree with the ladies, he’s too old to not have loved! cold-hearted.

  9. May 25, 2010 10:27 am

    I am sorry to hear how things ended, but it’s good you saw the writing on the wall clearly enough to take action. It is unusual to be at age 27 and never have truly loved someone. Like you said, it’s not all about fairy tales and fireworks; when you find someone you really connect with on all those important levels, love is an act not an emotion that ebbs and flows or even disappears.

    Perhaps he didn’t have the maturity or the right frame of mind to commit to a person to love yet or hadn’t yet found the person he felt was worth it. Maybe he has no clue what real love is or looks like.

    You do. And we’re all here to continue to support you as you find someone who is ready and able to love the wonderful Bea that is you.

  10. May 25, 2010 10:42 am

    You don’t believe in True Love? I’m sure the Dread Pirate Roberts would have a thing or two to say about that.

  11. May 25, 2010 10:53 am

    Hmmm… I’ll give you my thoughts as a man 😉

    I think people sometimes try too hard at the beginning of a relationship. (Not that you should give up right away) My thoughts are if there’s a reoccurring issue at the beginning, then that’s a red flag. You saw what his issues were, you gave him a chance to explain himself and work at a slower pace. Yet he was still having cold feet. I think you did the right thing.

    I know people who try to make it work when things should have been ended long ago, no one wins in those situations. Walls get built up and things never go back to the way they were, your relationship just ends up being a shadow of what it used to be. I know it’s not supposed to be easy and relationships are work, but the first months – year are supposed to be the fun discover times of the relationships. It shouldn’t be work right off the bat, it should be filled with nervous fun and excitement.

    My name is TurnJacson, I’m a helpless romantic and a recovering commitmentphobe…

    • May 25, 2010 11:30 am

      swoon.

    • cyrae permalink
      May 25, 2010 11:42 am

      What TurnJackson said about continuing to try when it should have been ended – that contributes to the high percentage (my observation) of unhappy marriages. This is a statistic (if we really studied it) that is more alarming than the divorce rate (my opinion).

      Consider the possibility that Soul Mates do not spring up in front of you but are “grown” from healthy, respectful loving relationships through years of sharing and supporting through life’s ups and downs (my belief). But you have to be open to it, first!

      Sorry, L.I.E.!

      Next contestant!

  12. Adrienne permalink
    May 25, 2010 11:36 am

    Bravo on not living up to the stereotype that women in this day and age are so desperate that they refuse to be single. Seriously, you deserve to be treated right and you know that!

  13. Rachel Zamstein permalink
    May 25, 2010 11:41 am

    You are getting really good at this. I am impressed.. and will be hitting the books to be just like you NOW>

  14. May 25, 2010 11:42 am

    ah, fuck, lady. that sucks. i mean, obviously i agree with all of the wonderful above commentors and am glad you’ve made a choice that i happen to think is the right one. but i know it still sucks. good luck. i’d send you ice cream and ridiculous earrings if possible. also: courage mascara. it’s the way to go.

  15. stineybean permalink
    May 25, 2010 11:49 am

    I’m always amazed at how succinct your thoughts on relationships are (especially because you figured them out at an earlier age than I did!), but you really laid out the basic blueprints so well. You know what is best for yourself and it is a triumph when you carry out a decision that will ultimately leave you a better person for doing so. Huzzah!

  16. May 25, 2010 12:34 pm

    Yeah, I have to agree. By 27, you need to have hit the love jackpot at least once. I mean, wasn’t that supposed to happen in high school anyway?

    You made a good read and decision, I think. His telling you that was definitely a way to keep you at arms length. It is like saying, “Now, don’t start enjunkulating all of that love stuff on me. I’m letting you know now…”

    That being said, make sure you cut it clean. Don’t try and be friends. You weren’t before, and there is no reason for it now. I’m sure you have plenty of friends. Heck, you have all of us.

    • Adrienne permalink
      May 25, 2010 5:54 pm

      In high school? Yikes. i was totally was behind the ball there I guess. By a lot!

    • May 25, 2010 6:28 pm

      I agree with the teacher on this one about the not trying to be friends…although that’s a tough thing to put into practice. Especially if he’s not an entirely sinister guy.

  17. May 25, 2010 12:35 pm

    So. Proud. Of you. You get like, 10 million smart girl points for this (even though break ups suck, no matter which role you play 😦

    I think you’re spot on with your thoughts on practical love, and by the way – a man who hasn’t loved anyone by 27? Unless he’s hideous so or something – he’s got problems you shouldn’t have to solve.

  18. jenontheroad permalink
    May 25, 2010 2:24 pm

    I think everyone’s already said what I think by this point, but I’m super proud of you for getting out of a situation in which you’re not happy (for real, 27 and never in love?).

    Also, of COURSE I will stick with you and your fabulous blog!

  19. Jaysey permalink
    May 25, 2010 7:09 pm

    After my last boyfriend and I had a “break” we could never get it back to where it was before…something just changes. Oh, well…welcome back to our fun, fun world o’ dating!

  20. Ashley permalink
    May 25, 2010 9:11 pm

    I absolutely love your blog, not quite sure how I stumbed upon it, but I’m addicted. I thought I had lot in common with you before, but now it’s proof – I also just broke up with someone who wasn’t ready for the commitment!

    And I see that I’m the only one to say this, but don’t be totally harsh on him for not being in love by 27. I never have either….and I’m 29! I’ve never had it said to me, and never said it to anyone (and before you get the wrong idea, I’m super fun and the looks-decent truck didn’t pass me by either!). We’re not all lucky enough to have it happen to us by a certain age and I sure hope that doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with me (or all the guys I’ve dated…)! I’m a big believer in practical love too…haven’t given up on it either.

    Good luck with your dating, know that there’s a lot of us out there in the same boat with you!

  21. May 26, 2010 4:44 am

    Sorry things didn’t work out. Been there, done that, took the break and no matter what once a commitment phobic, always a commitment phobic. No point wasting good time when you could be out and about finding someone that is right for you and would give you the world just to be with you. So stay positive and in the meantime have fun!

  22. May 26, 2010 4:49 am

    Sorry about the breakup, but it sounds like you handled this better than a lot of people. At least you weren’t the girl who stuck around, convinced that you could change him. Commitmentphobes are usually pretty hard to change and it’s way to hard on the other party. He will be lonely without you and you will find someone so much better. Go grab a drink and get back out there!

  23. May 27, 2010 2:06 am

    On the upside … your cat’s life just got SO FUCKING GOOD.

  24. Claireific permalink
    May 27, 2010 3:22 pm

    Claire here! (Hey girl hey…)

    Only you know what’s right for you, obvi, but between his weird back-and-forth feelings about committing to you and now his seeming inability to open himself up to love someone (or really learn about someone in order to fall in love with them, etc.) it seems like he needs to iron out some emotional snags before he becomes anyone’s boyfriend again, including yours.
    Chin up!

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