Mother Nature Thwarts My Efforts To Be A Responsible Adult

Mother Nature revels in my singledom and laughs in the face of my humiliation.

I spent most of Friday day drinking by the pool with Coworker S. You may remember the time she tried to kill me with wine.  I was determined to be prepared for her tricks because I had a date that night. And I was excited about him.

Date was at 8, we started drinking at 12:30. So the plan was to leave at 4:30 and get home in time for a refreshing nap and then have a few hours left over to make myself look spectacular. Fool-proof, really.

I set about executing my plan and only had one drink to Coworker S’s one and a half. I’m marvelously clever, aren’t I? Such a mature adult.

Except then Mother Nature totally backhanded me.

4:15 rolls around and I’m clocking in at only two wine spritzers and half a beer. We’re getting ready to call it a day when the sky turned apocalyptic. The wind started whipping rain in every which direction and we were forced into a canopy with Joe the Process Server. And that required another drink because Joe the Process Server was intensely hitting on both Coworker S and myself.

When the rain let up a bit we managed to get ourselves back to Coworker S’s place without too much damage. And that required a celebratory glass of wine.

Too stormy to take public transit; I needed a cab. But the aforementioned apocalyptic storm had all the cab companies backed up for hours. And that required a calming glass of wine.

I finally got home at 6 and that required a If-I-stop-now-I’ll-fall-asleep drink.

Cut to date: I really thought I was holding it together. After two hours, a hot shower and some chips and salsa I was feeling pretty confident I could pull off the sober thing. I employed my ingenious plan again and drank only 1 to my date’s 1 and a half.

Alas, Mother Nature was not through with me. Despite my slow pace, the alcohol reacted with the dormant alcohol already in my system. To my horror I could hear the occasional slur creep into my speech and that strange “I’m drunk” note sneak into my laugh. I was being held captive in my head as the alcohol hijacked my body.

I’m not sure how to describe the end of the date except to say “abrupt.” So there goes that one…