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The Consult

July 27, 2010

Can someone honestly explain to me why doctor forms contain questions like the two below? I’d already indicated I was there for a thigh reduction (that’s my classy new name for lipo), I think that’s specific enough, don’t you?

After the paperwork, an informative piece on a sleek looking computer looped through an explanation about the state-of-the-art measure they’ll be using to deflate my thighs. Two words, y’all: ultrasound technology.

Now I’m not really one for science, so bear with me. As far as I can tell, they’ll be doping me up and then ultrasounding my fat into submission. Then removing it, in its newly dispirited form, with thin straws.

Hot. If you didn’t want to sleep with me before, I bet you do now.

It’s reassuring though, because I was picturing that Power Vac-esque thing they used to use in the late 80’s TV specials on liposuction that sucked the fat out in giant bloody globs which is the exact reason that I can’t stomach bubble tea.

Once the computer had soothed my fears, my doctor came gliding in in all his Superman hair and white-coated glory. I know its an occupational hazard in the field, but must all cosmetic surgeons be so damned good looking? Dr. Hotness is exactly the type I would not be showing my thighs to under regular circumstances.

But there I was, with my front opening “gown” pulled wide to reveal thighs that should not exist in nature. Unless we’re talking about elephant thighs. Or hippo thighs. Or other large animal thighs. But certainly not human thighs.

Dr. Hotness quickly made my People That Dont Suck list by talking me down from a full lower body makeover. He wants to target specific areas and leave some of my curves, creating an over all more proportional look. Well thank you, Dr. Hotness, for reminding me that being a stick figure would suck and just because you can does not mean you should.

So I scheduled the surgery. I have one more pre-op appointment before then, where he will probably draw those terrible circles of shame on my fat and then show me a 3D rendering of what future me will look like. I’m pretty excited for the second part, there.

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20 Comments leave one →
  1. July 27, 2010 8:06 am

    Can he give you Wolverine claws as well?

  2. July 27, 2010 8:14 am

    You’re seriously brave! Kudos for knowing what you want and going full out for it!!!

  3. July 27, 2010 9:42 am

    I’m so excited to hear how it goes!!!

  4. Courtney permalink
    July 27, 2010 10:26 am

    This is very exciting. I’m proud of you!

  5. July 27, 2010 11:13 am

    personally i’d prefer to see pics to be ascertained that you’re not suffering from severe body dysmorphia

    • July 27, 2010 11:20 am

      well i’m certainly exaggerating a bit. my thighs do not look like an actual elephant’s thighs, for instance. but i am very disproportionate. i promised to spare everyone pictures… but maybe i’ll have to include before and afters at the end of it all?

  6. July 27, 2010 11:23 am

    no offence or anything

    • July 27, 2010 11:25 am

      no problem, my love. it is strange to me that those who haven’t seen me default to body dismorphia. i suppose its what we see in the media most often – perfect people wanting to be perfecter.

  7. Heidi permalink
    July 27, 2010 12:14 pm

    I love your answer on your paperwork!

  8. July 27, 2010 5:41 pm

    I’m glad you have a thoughtful doctor who seems to care about more than just making you into a Barbie doll, but helping you keep some of your womanly curves. I’d be curious to see before and after pictures, too, but I know if you really are ashamed of your current thighs, you wouldn’t be so keen on that. Hope when all is said and done, you can look in the mirror with total self-love and pride.

  9. July 27, 2010 7:11 pm

    I definitely want to see before and after pics! No, not want…need…I need to see before/after pics!

    Your answers on the form are great! They DO put really ridiculous questions on there!

  10. stineybean permalink
    July 28, 2010 8:21 pm

    Heh. I love the fact that even though this is a fairly serious topic, you managed to make me guffaw. I will never look at bubble tea the same way again. Good luck with everything and I commend you for a) making a declaration and b) taking the steps necessary to bring that declaration to reality.

  11. July 29, 2010 9:10 am

    Your description of Dr. Hotness instantly reminded me of this: http://harkavagrant.com/index.php?id=258
    (The second one)

  12. July 29, 2010 3:23 pm

    I’m super excited for you.

    Cosmetic surgery, however, scares the crap out of me.

    Probably too many hours spent playing BioShock o.o

  13. August 3, 2010 10:19 pm

    I did want to sleep with you before. And now? Yep. Still do.

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