The Consult

Can someone honestly explain to me why doctor forms contain questions like the two below? I’d already indicated I was there for a thigh reduction (that’s my classy new name for lipo), I think that’s specific enough, don’t you?

After the paperwork, an informative piece on a sleek looking computer looped through an explanation about the state-of-the-art measure they’ll be using to deflate my thighs. Two words, y’all: ultrasound technology.

Now I’m not really one for science, so bear with me. As far as I can tell, they’ll be doping me up and then ultrasounding my fat into submission. Then removing it, in its newly dispirited form, with thin straws.

Hot. If you didn’t want to sleep with me before, I bet you do now.

It’s reassuring though, because I was picturing that Power Vac-esque thing they used to use in the late 80’s TV specials on liposuction that sucked the fat out in giant bloody globs which is the exact reason that I can’t stomach bubble tea.

Once the computer had soothed my fears, my doctor came gliding in in all his Superman hair and white-coated glory. I know its an occupational hazard in the field, but must all cosmetic surgeons be so damned good looking? Dr. Hotness is exactly the type I would not be showing my thighs to under regular circumstances.

But there I was, with my front opening “gown” pulled wide to reveal thighs that should not exist in nature. Unless we’re talking about elephant thighs. Or hippo thighs. Or other large animal thighs. But certainly not human thighs.

Dr. Hotness quickly made my People That Dont Suck list by talking me down from a full lower body makeover. He wants to target specific areas and leave some of my curves, creating an over all more proportional look. Well thank you, Dr. Hotness, for reminding me that being a stick figure would suck and just because you can does not mean you should.

So I scheduled the surgery. I have one more pre-op appointment before then, where he will probably draw those terrible circles of shame on my fat and then show me a 3D rendering of what future me will look like. I’m pretty excited for the second part, there.