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Thigh Reduction. The Time Is Now.

September 9, 2010

So. It’s the big day.

In mere hours I’ll be counting backwards from 100, getting to 98 and passing out into a 3 hour coma so that Dr. Hotness can use high frequency sound waves to cripple and then annihilate my villainous fat cells and suck the resulting liquid misery out through tiny straws, freeing my thighs to live a happy, chafing-free existence and freeing me to buy cuter skirts.

It’s all very high drama.

Before the excitement starts, its time for a look back down memory lane. Cue the music.

The Bad Times:

Hey thighs, how about that time in high school when we got those cute black pants and wore them with a turtleneck and pranced around looking all hot-to-trot until that guy on the basketball team told us we had great legs, just like a horse?

Or maybe the time that we had to kneel in the soccer team picture and each one of you took up the space of both thighs on every other girl?

Or in ballet when our beloved ballet teacher lamented that I’d have a future in dance if I only had the legs for it?

Perhaps my favorite is the time we were getting out of a cab in college and the abused inner seam of our favorite jeans ripped right down both thighs, exposing doughy fat to the whole crew of frat boys and forcing me to wish for either death or a whole bottle of tequila?

Yes, those were painful, embarrassing times. Let’s look at the positive memories…

The Good Times:

So I guess that’s it, hmm? Well, I’m done with your tyranny over my sexiness. I’m done wearings full-length pants to the beach and crying in fitting rooms. It’s time for a change.

I am ready, y’all.* Bring on the pain and the bruising and the crotchless girdle that I can’t take off for 6 weeks. Bring on the no drinking and no partying and limited mobility. I’m ready for shorts, skirts and sexy lingerie. I’m ready to look like the person I feel like.

*Remind me of this moment of triumphant preparedness in 48 hours when I begin to wish for a morphine drip.

23 Comments leave one →
  1. September 9, 2010 6:45 am

    GOOD LUUUUUUCKKKK! before and after pics yes? xxx

  2. Ash D. permalink
    September 9, 2010 6:54 am

    Good Luck sweetie! Cant wait to see the fabulous new you! 🙂

  3. September 9, 2010 7:15 am

    I’m thinking of you today!! Good luck, and happy healing. 🙂

  4. September 9, 2010 7:36 am

    I don’t know how you managed to make this so funny, but you did. I will definitely be thinking of you today. Godspeed!

  5. September 9, 2010 8:39 am

    Good luck!

  6. Courtney permalink
    September 9, 2010 8:40 am

    Sending good thoughts and love your way! It will be worth it!

  7. September 9, 2010 8:51 am

    People are assholes, your thighs are and will be beautiful! Good luck!

  8. September 9, 2010 9:01 am

    Best wishes for a speedy recovery and results better than you’d imagined!

  9. Erinn permalink
    September 9, 2010 9:35 am

    You are one brave lady… I’m excited for you! So many people feel the same way about themselves but don’t have the guts to go for it. Sending good luck and good vibes your way! ❤

  10. dorothyn21 permalink
    September 9, 2010 10:00 am

    Even though I’ve always considered you a gorgeous human being and would never even think about changing anything about you, I totally respect what you are doing. You are one brave girl! Will be thinking of you today and hoping for a speedy recovery!!

  11. September 9, 2010 11:12 am

    Sending lots of good and healing thoughts your way today! Good luck!!!

  12. September 9, 2010 3:35 pm

    luck! love! and a quick recovery, with lots of meds & fluffy pillows.


  13. stineybean permalink
    September 9, 2010 4:43 pm

    Wow, it sounds like you have quite the stretch of healing ahead. Good thing Summer is ending and Winter will be your ally. I wish you all the best and hope you are a stellar student of healing. Gold stars already from me. 🙂

    • stineybean permalink
      September 9, 2010 5:01 pm

      And by Winter I meant Fall. (Guess I’m looking forward to Winter!)

  14. September 9, 2010 5:11 pm

    I wear full-length pants to the beach, because I’m a redhead and the whitest person you’ve never met. Maybe you’re a redhead and not actually in need of thigh reduction? Am I too late?

  15. jessicainthenow permalink
    September 13, 2010 9:00 am

    This post is amazing. I’m so sorry to hear that anyone said anything like that about your legs! My butt is like that, but I find that it’s to my advantage.

    Can’t wait to hear how the surgery went!

    take care

  16. September 13, 2010 10:18 am

    I think you made a brave and tough choice. I really hope you are ecstatic with the results and heal quickly. Lots of hugs.

  17. September 14, 2010 6:07 am

    Hope it all goes well, and that you heal faster than expected.

  18. September 14, 2010 3:40 pm

    GOODLUCK!! 🙂

  19. September 17, 2010 10:12 am

    I’m SO in awe – I’m such a coward I just don’t think I’d have the guts to go under the knife!

  20. Robert permalink
    September 19, 2010 12:08 pm

    I’m sure you looked fine the way you were. Please just see yourself as beautiful for what you are… That’s what’s real.


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