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Freedom Gropes

December 1, 2010

I’ve had really bad travel luck lately. Mister Me and I bought an all inclusive to Riviera Maya and crapped out with flights that had alternately too long and not long enough layovers. There is very little more frustrating than trying to convince a Customs agent not to send you through extra screening just because your flight started boarding before you de-planed.

Or so I thought.

Until I showed up at O’Hare yesterday. Of course, the security lines were endless. But, us business travelers, we know how to get through security at lightning speed, so I wasn’t worried.

Then I got pointed towards the full body scanner.

I saw those damned things on the Today Show. They digitally scrambled people’s naughty bits because the scan that thing spits out is not suitable for TV, y’all. Which means its also not suitable for some high school drop-out with a TSA badge. At least not when it comes to my body.

But I’d heard about that guy who tried to fight it and ended up with an $11k fine. So I sucked it up and submitted myself to the degrading visual undressing I usually associate with construction sites.

So fine, some guy is probably getting his jollies off to my rack in some clandestine TSA wank-it room. I can compartmentalize that thought long enough to get through the day’s meetings.

But no. TSA was not done with me yet. A female agent waved me through for a pat down.

I’ll let that sink in.

Yes, after a scan so detailed they can tell the current state of my brazilian wax, the TSA is still not convinced that I’m not packing heat. They were passing me around like the drunken coed at a frat party.

Faced with the choice between getting felt up or making a break for it and getting tackled and possibly tased, I swallowed my pride and let this lady cup my breasts. She seemed to take her job pretty seriously; she cupped tightly and rubbed in both a clockwise and counter-clockwise direction. And she didn’t even use the back of her hand.

I debated asking her if I could count that as my monthly self breast exam. I debated speaking to a supervisor, for at least an explanation of how I warranted both a nakey-Xray AND naughtier touching than I allow on a third date (humor me). I debated making a scene.

But in the end, I shame-facedly collected my purse and continued to my gate.

TSA, you have won. You have bullied me into resignation. There is simply no other option. You may look at my ladyparts, you may touch my breasts and you may demand that I submit with no more than a murmur.

But I’m raging inside.

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7 Comments leave one →
  1. December 1, 2010 11:49 am

    I’ve lucked out recently on all my travels and managed to go through the simple old metal detectors at 3 different airports. I told myself I’d be OK with the nakey scan since my body technically looks like that of a 12-year-old and I have no shame. Err…wait a second…

    But to subject you to BOTH?! I’m fuming for you. 😦 Ugh. Just plain WRONG! But then again, what can we do, right? I’ll always fly over drive. Also, I’m glad I didn’t get subjected to that last week while my monthly friend was visiting, I was in a rush & out of tampons, so I had to go with a bulky pad I happened to have. I can’t even imagine what would have happened to me then! Shudder.

    • December 1, 2010 5:44 pm

      its a sign of the times when something as well personal as menstruation can be detected by the government.

  2. December 1, 2010 12:20 pm

    “One last question: why did leave your previous job?”
    “Uh… I was fired for sexual harassment”
    “Welcome to the TSA!”

  3. December 1, 2010 4:31 pm

    It’s too bad these TSA workers aren’t certified doctors. They could scan for cancers AND weapons at the same time. I am disgusted by these latest security measures. You handled things much better than I would have. I would have probably been slapped with an $11K fine. UGH. I can’t believe this is the current state of air travel.

  4. December 1, 2010 6:18 pm

    I have yet to be subject to a full body scanner, I dread the day when that happens! I probably would have been the person to receive an $11,000 fine 🙂 But hey, I’d rather they do this to every single person and we’re all safe rather than to not take preventative measures to protect our country.

    …..But I would be raging on the inside as well 😉

  5. December 1, 2010 8:51 pm

    Good article, and well…. your closing line is perfect, and says it all….

  6. December 2, 2010 10:41 am

    I can’t even believe that! I am so upset for you – that must have been so horrible. They are really making me not want to fly anywhere any more. If I won’t even let my boyfriend have naked pictures of me, the TSA sure as hell isn’t allowed!

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