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Where Did These Love Handles Come From?

January 26, 2011

So I’ve been trying to diet, I really have.

I thought I was doing better this year, at controlling the inevitable holiday gain. I was watching my calories and seeing Trainer once a week. I even took one very short run.

But those errant pieces of office chocolate and my stepfather’s sausage bread were plotting against me once again. At some point in December, my belt seemed to have gotten an inch shorter and my bra started being all dramatic about containing my boobs.

My denial kicked into overdrive.

I have the terrifying ability to see myself though beer goggles for weeks on end. I blame my freshman fifteen, sophomore five, junior five, senior two and post-college-year seven on this crippling power. I just fail to see the fat. To me, I still look pretty damn good. As long as I’m still getting hit on, well, then nothing could possibly be wrong.

Add to this the new challenge of no longer having the same problem areas. I used to know to stop eating when I was forced to wear sweatpants to work because I couldn’t wedge my thighs into my jeans even if I lubed ’em up. After my thigh reduction my shape is so changed that I can’t rely on my old standbys.

Once the pics from New Years Eve went up and my moonface* was laid bare for all of Facebook to judge and wonder at, it was clear something must be done.

I did the unthinkable: got naked in front of a mirror.

And not the “oh here I am, getting in to the shower and checking out my ass” type naked. The “stand there, look, understand, awaken” type of naked. My revelation was complete; instead of my normal plumped out lower half drooping from a small waist, I was looking at a new kind of fat. I can still fit into my new pants size, but I then have… a… muffin top.

I feel like one of those girls in danger of recognizing her outfit on the nightly news during the perpetual story about America’s obesity epidemic.

Now I’m seeing how the other half lives. Haunted not by jiggly thighs but by a stomach that refuses to flirt sexily with waistbands and instead throws itself at them with all the gusto and sweat of a mating hippo.

And Boss just announced he’s ordering pizza for lunch. Well… Fuck.


*Moonface is that pasty-glossy-round-as-a-plate look your face gets after the holidays. Oh, not your face? I guess just mine then.

12 Comments leave one →
  1. January 27, 2011 9:24 am

    I am having this SAME problem (and the thighs too but let’s not discuss that mmkay?)! I’m getting a new tattoo today down my side. if that doesn’t make me wanna whip my ass back into shape I don’t know what will!!!

  2. January 27, 2011 9:26 am

    I think Moon Face is Carb Face’s distant cousin. You may have just inspired a post, “Deny Till You Die”.

  3. stineybean permalink
    January 27, 2011 9:31 am

    moonface! So that’s what it’s called. Thanks for the another hilarious post, lady.

  4. Gully Girl permalink
    January 27, 2011 9:34 am

    I’m with ya! Only my denial seems to have spanned approximately the last 10 years which is not cool. Now I’m trying to kick my own ass to get it together before my wedding. The biggest problem? I LOVE food.

  5. January 27, 2011 12:21 pm

    Is it wrong that this post made me hungry? You’re, like, a wizard.

  6. January 27, 2011 12:55 pm

    i have to say that ending… just made me burst out laughing… i’m constantly blaming it on quickly “becoming a hag”, that’s how i tell it to my bf anyway… funny & definitely relatable stuff ! 🙂

  7. January 27, 2011 4:45 pm

    My muffin top is all that. Whole-grain, low-fat. I know you wanna piece of that, but I just wanna dance …

  8. January 30, 2011 3:18 pm

    Isn’t that life for ya? You get thigh reduction and then you get a muffin top. Bright side: muffin tops are easier to hide.

    I used to battle with my weight all the time until I went veggie. Now my weight is pretty stable and I never really worry about how my body looks. I’m the skinny bitch! If I feel like I’m gaining a couple extra pounds, I just cut out cheese and fried foods for a week or so and I’m good. It feels great!

  9. January 31, 2011 8:02 pm

    I had similar issues when taking the classic family christmas card photo this year (yes, at christmas). I tend to notice weight gain in my boobs first, and face second… its bad. Recently, I’ve been doing a slow-carb diet and lost 10lbs in 1 month! I’m following Tim Ferris’s “The 4-Hour Body” and have really liked it!! Basically only protein and veggies for 6 days then on the 7th, after a healthy breakfast, you go CRAZY!! I hate 1.5 bagels, 2.5 slices of giant pizza, a few bites of cheesecake, and a whole bag of Pirates Booty on Saturday. and it doesn’t even matter!! But honestly, I’m sure you still look great! xo

  10. February 4, 2011 4:41 pm

    It’s so much harder as we get older, isn’t it?

  11. February 7, 2011 8:01 pm

    My first clue is always in my face, I gain weight there first. And welcome to muffin top land.. it SUCKS! I’ve always had little legs, but because I have tiny legs even the smallest weight gain in my hips is like WHOA! Wahhhhhhh

    • February 7, 2011 8:02 pm

      Not to mention, going to New Orleans and inhaling multiple Huge Ass Beers, Hand Grenades, and Hurricanes definitely didn’t help.

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