Healthy Living Is Making Me Fat
Which would be totally acceptable if I’d spent the last few days noshing on tacos and referring to reaching for my wine as “my workout”… as per usual.
But my fat day is extra bogus because for the last week, I’ve been good. Like really good… for me anyway.
I’ve been getting daily exercise and hitting my calorie goals. Last night I was even 150 calories under my goal. That’s enough for a glass of red wine y’all, but I didn’t have one.
I even went to Bikram yoga last night and sweated more in an hour than I have in the past year.
(While we’re on the topic, let me tell you a little about Bikram yoga: It’s gross. By the end of the class, the room smells like… people. Sweaty, farty people. Never go to Bikram with someone you plan on sleeping with in the near future. “Lost my boner” is an understatement.)
Anyway, back to the issue at hand: I should feeling motherf-ing tiny.
Instead, my scale is reading 1.5 pounds more than yesterday. Also, I’m pretty sure my thighs are creeping back towards disproportionate. And that… makes me HULKSMASH mad.
If there is anything worse than dieting and exercising, it’s dieting and exercising and then feeling fatter than before. It makes me want to say to hell with it and get tacos for lunch.
And also for dinner.
All those rosy cheeked health nuts will say the same shit, “But you’ll feel so much better!”
No, fuck that. I do not feel better. I feel hungry and tired and grumpy and like I want some pizza. I’m just not cut out for this healthy living shit.
If the equation is (diet + exercise) = (tacos + wine + couch + 1.5 lbs) than guess who’s going back to basics? After all, I was maintaining a lower weight when I was eating whatever I wanted.
First person to say “Muscle weighs more than fat” is totally getting a kick to the chin. I can do that now. I’ve been practicing yoga.